We all know that I'm not the biggest fan of people. Humans just literally drive me insane. I just don't understand them, I don't think I ever really have. I've always felt a bit square shaped...although obviously now, what with the weight gain and everything I appear rather rotund, I'm figuratively speaking when I say square...clearly...keep up!!!! I've never felt I fit anywhere comfortably except in my own skin in my own space, with my own people.
When we're younger we try don't we? We mix in various different circles until we find our 'crowd'.....thats if you are from a normal family....with normal brains, not brains that think if your daughter goes 3 foot outside the family circle she will get kidnapped, raped and pillaged and never seen of again. Maybe thats why I prefer my own company more, coz I never had a 'crowd' ...EVER did I?!! Me and my childhood friend 'Bin' used to have so much fun together, always around my house though, we would occasionally go out with the family but never on our own. What? Bin you say, what a weird name you say? Oh whatever, I thought it was very imaginative, for my imaginary friend..Bin....We had hours and hours of fun. Fuck knows where they went, and I say 'they' because I think they must have been non binary as I can't remember for the life of me if they were a girl or a boy. ...anyway...we are digressing now....back to stupid annoying people.
Have you ever had a friend that you thought the world of, you would do anything for, and probably did, but they never really returned the favour? Well that's ok because not all relationships are balanced and most times you accept your friends for all their idiosyncrasies and quirks, after all, you don't give to receive in relationships. But some will just take and take and suck everything out of you and eventually they turn it round on you and make you the bad person, no matter how many years you've known each other, or what you've been through, the moment you need them,...its all over. Those ones there...those people right there.... be gone negative life sucking people, 'aint no one got time for you!
This happens to a lot of people. We've all been there, its how we are prepared to go forward that counts. Me....fuck em. I don't go forward, Well I do, but they don't come with me. Who needs those type of people in their lives eh? I'm so so forgiving like that lol!
I mean how many times can someone be a dick and you're like, 'it's ok, I'm ok, I managed' eerrrr NO! go fuck yourself I didn't manage, I was a complete car crash and I needed you to stop me car cashing and making a complete shit heap of my life and you weren't there to do it, simple, in fact, you're rubbish and helped me ruin my life, you are of no use to me. Now leave!
I've really got no tolerance for bullshit people that let me car crash my life!
When my Dad died, family left, When my world broke and my marriage exploded, family left, when I came out, family ...oh they had already left but they refused to return and stand by me, when my daughter nearly died....oh wait up, I'd run out of every family member by then, but other people let me down, except my friends, my Friends were bloody amazing , I have like 5 of them, goddamn amazing friends that have become my family. See what happens when you can chose who you share you precious world with.
My ex husband once said something to me, well he said many things to me, many many times but this one actually made sense, it didn't at the time, at the time I thought, you arsehole. He said,
'Never depend on anyone, not even me, because everyone lets you down eventually ' At the time I thought, well great marriage this is, turns out however, he was right. Who knew!!!! But it stayed with me, and I don't think I have ever depended on anyone ever since. It's way too risky, I depended on family to have my back when no one else did, they didn't. I depended on my ex to always love me and be there for me , he didn't, I kinda depended on my Dad to not leave me at 19, selfish fuck ran as fast as he could....well actually he died as fast as he could but either way, he was fast. Maybe he knew the mess that was ahead and thought...ha on your own bitch!
So yeah, my faith in the human race is really very limited. I've seen people treat the people they are supposed to love so appallingly, with such little respect its horrible, but I have also seen some families, really behave like families should and that restores a bit of my faith and makes me cry, coz, well I cry at everything. Those bloody menopausal hormones. And yes I know people say we shouldn't be bitter and we shouldn't judge on past experiences, but I'm not, I just can't be arsed to be sociable anymore. I think I'm old enough to know what I want. To have to mill about a room and pretend to smile and chat shit I just can't be arsed to chat about. Its exhausting, I don't care, and no I also don't care people think I'm a miserable fuck, coz I'm not, well I am, but I'm not if I like you, which is rare, so maybe I am lol! OMG I just don't know anymore.
Gosh my wedding sounds like its gonna be ball!. I'll be the miserable twat telling everyone to go home, oh no wait, that will be my brother who did infact tell everyone to go home after my boy spawns Christening. He was the Godfather so I guess he could...and he did..goodbye everyone, thanks for coming, you've all eaten now, so fuck off coz we've had enough of being nice. Thats basically how it went, no lie ....us Nicolaous, such a caring sharing loving bunch. I once walked into Sainsburys once, on a mission to buy food ( obviously) and an old woman stopped me, like grabbed my arm and said. 'oh my, you look like you want to find someone and kill them'...sorry what? this is just my face, how rude, I'm smiling on the inside, somewhere, deep down, but now you've just pissed me off...move aside old lady before its you I kill ! Cheek!
Still, saying that, I do love to throw a party, and invite my 5/6 friends. LOL We're never short of food and drink in my house and everyone (my 5/6 friends) is welcome . I will feed and water the world and his wife (mainly my 5/6 friends) but its totally different when I'm hosting, altho I'm old now and can't be arsed to do that either anymore. Jesus I really am am a grumpy fuck...or am I? Am I just being who I want to be? ( TBH right now I'm not entirely sure who that is ) Sharing my world and my precious time with the people that really matter to me and mine. The people that show me they truly care about me and mine, largely because they drink and eat with me and enjoy it just as much as I do! common ground and all that.Life should be one big happy party, we're not here for long so why waste time with people you don't want to.
Life is not too short to bear a grudge, life is too short to waste on people who don't make you smile and always stay in your Zone, no matter where that might be.
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