Me, Driving and my Road Rage!

Ever since I can remember I’ve loved cars

( the signs were always there 🙄) When I was little me and my Dad used to walk down to the bottom of our road where there was a bench and sit there watching the traffic. Yes, my Dad took me to all the most amazing places you could ever think of....a bench.... to watch traffic! Now whilst this might sound extremely boring and, well really quite pointless, you need to understand that my Dad never went anywhere, or did anything... ever! So this was a bit of a treat. We’d both pick a road lane and the winner would be the one with the best cars. This is where my automobile education began.... I was 5!

I soon learnt that my favourite car was an ‘Ello Tag.... that’s a yellow Stag to normal speaking humans and that a Jensen was a mighty fine car! I also learnt that its actually possible to buy and sell 13 cars in one year ... that was one a month except when Dad decided he hated the Rolls Royce because it was like driving a tank , so he sold that after 2 weeks of buying it and bought a.... ford Capri!! There was no form of sense or reason in my young world.

One time Dad was parking the car in our driveway and got his slipper caught in the accelerator and drove the car straight into the lounge wall. He did of course blame the car , and stupid fucking slipper and got rid of both fairly promptly!

I learnt to drive in Cyprus, and trust me, if you can drive there, you can drive anywhere on the planet, they are crazy. You literally have to guess where they are gonna go as indicators are for the weak and traffic lights are just fancy road side decorations. Cypriot driving rules, One hand has to always be hanging out the window, which is eternally wound down in order for you to shout at people who dare to even attempt to stop at a red light , you never stay in your lane but drive in the middle , you drive really fast everywhere then turn suddenly so as to surprise anyone and everyone in all directions as to where you are heading , who know who might be trying to follow you, oh and the use of the car horn everytime someone slows down is compulsory!

So there I was at the prime age of 17, driving around in my customised honda Civic, Ignoring every road sign ever made, music blaring , speeding around larnaca like I was Sterling Moss! Everyone knew me and everyone had an opinion, of course they did, this was Cyprus.....she’s going to kill herself’ ‘ tell her to turn her music down’ ‘ she’s not a lady’ ‘what is wrong with her?’ Eerrrr hold up, this is how I was taught, admittedly my 70 year old driving instructor did grab hold of the little handle thing above the window once screaming at me to brake 🤷🏼‍♀️, he always was a bit jumpy. Probably should’ve retired before I tried to kill him . Some other comments however I felt a bit harsh... like ‘ the whore in the honda!’ One...Wtf... I mean I admit, it had a certain ring to it but hey, I was 17 and had never had a boyfriend coz well, Rapunzel, so that didn’t really work Now did it, these people knew my parents coz these people that called me that were indeed family, they saw my prisoner of Zenda lifestyle. They would try and tell my Dad to ’sort me out or I will never find a husband’ Yeah that went down well, they were soon told to fuck off.

One time, the same policeman ( also a family friend) stopped me 3 times in the same day, once for no seatbelt, and it would’ve been twice for speeding but by the 3rd time he felt more embarrassed than me and just threw the speed trap down and walked away! They even came to my shop and threatened to take my licence away.... I was now 19... this was totally unheard of in Cyprus but they said I had left them no other choice! Seriously ? Oh come on, you’re just jealous you can’t drive like me. I was such an arsehole.

After escaping , I mean leaving Cyprus, I encountered driving in the UK. Well that was weird, people stuck to their lanes, mostly, people stopped at red lights and used their indicators to actually let you know they were turning. So polite and considerate, no more guessing, You also got real speeding tickets , no one here ignore the fact you were a wanker. Real points on your licence and actual fines you had to pay or you go to prison! Gosh they were very Mean over here

27 years later and they are still mean and I still get little love letters from those flashy camera things on the side of the roads threatening prosecution and speed awareness courses. I could actually probably run one of them myself now. I mean why do they have So many of these cameras , everywhere, it’s Intrusive and so annoying, what with them and speed humps and bloody 20mph zones, how is anyone supposed to get anywhere on time anymore , I mean no wonder no one loses their licence nowadays where’s the opportunity 😝

I‘ve got into various fights over the years too due to road rage ... it definitely increases the older you get. The school run was particularly my favourite. School run mums are shit drivers, but if you do chose to shout at Any of these said school mums near the school, just make sure it doesn’t actually turn out to be your sons maths teacher. That was awkward, took months for the boy to forgive me, parents evening was never quite the same after that.

The kids also had their knowledge of the English language widened during Our little driving excursions. Female spawn learnt the adjective wanker was a perfect word to describe an annoying little man in a white van... at the age of two.... she was so advanced, I was so proud , she couldn’t say shit all else at the time, wanker would do fine. Here guys, look at my kid. Learning and shit! Male spawn learnt some interesting sign language too, I called it a special wave he shouldn’t really do at all, ever, because it’s magic and Can make people very angry.

One time, not so long ago I lost my shit in the car so bad, my boy teen looks at me and says ‘mum, we haven’t even reversed out the drive yet’ ... this was infact true but it was morning. I was tired and I was just angry at the sheer volume of cars coming down my road at the time, I mean where are these people going? Do they ALL live here? This is my road, not theirs. How very dare they, Why aren’t they at work? Or home? piss off and use the main road 😡 and why are you going so goddamn slow??? Boy teen pipes up ‘it’s 20mph mum’ and who made you the traffic police Son ??

HOWEVER..Now both teens are learning to drive I’m like. Yes son, it is 20 mph, you are right, I’m wrong 😑 No speeding, ever, you’ll crash and die, no road rage, ever, people are crazy out there, you’ll get shot and die! Infact, just stay home and never leave me... why do you want to leave me?? 🤣

Yep, Me and driving have always had a love hate relationship. I love cars, I love speed, the wife (NYBN) hates getting into the car with me most times, sometimes she shouts at me, I don’t like this at all, that makes me either jump as I have no idea at all why she is shouting, I was miles away from that car /human/ lamppost Or it makes me angry... an angry Ev driving is never a good mix. Sometimes she just silently grips onto something tight all white knuckled like and mutters ‘ ooohhh we’re gonna die’ ... jeez talk about dramatic! .. hmmmm, is that why she offers to drive, all the time? Go figure.

Today we’re getting the train 😁