Hey , doesn't time fly when life happens...like too much life...all a once, like an overactive dumpster!
I last wrote on my trip over to see my Mum...that was 7 months ago now. WHAT?? crazy. She's doing ok, as much as Alzheimers does ok, getting worse but is at least back home and still smiling and being looked after. She doesn't really know who we are anymore, knows names and of us, but not us. I haven't been able to get back over since, so much has happened in these last 8 months..how in gods name has so much happened in only 8 months.
7 month ago life all changed again, I don't think I'm even ready to even write about it, partly because I haven't accepted it yet but maybe when I do, I will share , I'm just not ready. A huge part of my life isn't there anymore, not my mum, I know how I struggle with that daily and have been for years, thats a whole other level, but losing a best friend hits entirely different, I cant quite comprehend and when I do I need to be ready. Right now I'm not and I can't, it's just there, all the time. So let's concentrate on all the other tragic disasters that make up my life.
My kids hahahahahaha they are a constant charm. My distraction when it's all so dark. It's incredible , now they are adults, how well they have actually turned out. It's a miracle. I mean they are both totally bat shit mental but in their own ways. One is deep and absorbs everything around them like some giant sponge and is stubborn and fierce and never gives up...whilst the other could literally be horizontal, live a surfers life and spend their days saying, 'its all cool' so laid back, it actually drives me insane when I'm climbing the walls and they are there like, 'chill Mum, what's the worse that can happen".....oh well where shall I begin young buck ! Worry is never far away with them, even tho they are both grown up, every time they aren't with me or the testosterone filled one gets behind the wheel of his car or when they are out till the early hours and your phone rings or like now when one is going Ibiza....dear fucking god. I think I got more sleep when they were babies.
But they keep me grounded, like really really stomped on grounded, totally into the ground, grounded lol. Thank fuck for them
I've been doing a lot of deep thinking recently...it's kinda like a deep clean, only you end up messier than when you started. I've changed so much in my life but when I look deeper, have I even changed at all? I always have to be on the go, I always need to look after everyone and everything, I always need to have an organised house, a tidy house, in every sense of the word. I need to feed everyone, all of the time and when they dont eat, I have to eat it...this is terrible and isn't working out so well for me!!! ffs people, eat the food I cook!! also the immense panic that comes with not getting it all done , everyday, is exhausting.
This is definitely due to my very Greek upbringing. My fellow Greeks will feel me on this one. As a Greek woman I was brought up to do everything, my job, as a greek woman when I grow up, ( I'm still growing) was to take care of my family... even if my mum never let me in the kitchen and basically also did everything, for everyone...all of the time, whilst managing to look like a fucking goddess in high heels and run a business or two at the same time ...I guess I kinda took after her ...a little bit, minus the whole goddess and heel thing .The problem with being this greek type person is, it becomes the norm to everyone, which is perfectly fine because thats how you like it, except for when you dont because you are a menopause induced lunatic and you turn into a complete psycho, mood swinging bitch! Then its all like, why do I have to do everything ( but you do it all before anyone has a chance to even see you do it) and , Why am I cooking at 11pm when I've worked all day and have already fucking cooked and am dead on my feet ( well because your devil spawn muttered they were hungry so you scuttled into the kitchen for fear they might die in their sleep of starvation and clearly haven't got the legs or ability to do it for themselves. Besides you want to make sure the kitchen is left clean before you go to sleep and your baby is fed) My poor family, the confusion is real .
It's like leaving the cats out at night because they wake you up at 2am , every night, screaming like they are being held prisoners and are being tortured or have decided they are being chased around the house at a million miles per hour by the dog that you dont actually have!!!! Those fucking cats, I've had no sleep since we got them...14 years ago, thats it, they are staying out tonight, I dont fucking care anymore! Night time comes...they cant stay out, it's dark and scary, they might want a cuddle or get eaten by a monster, poor little babies, here pussy pussy!!! Dickhead...
Change is definitely a mindset thing. You have to change your attitude to a situation if you know that situation isn't going to change. Take a relationship I have with a certain human who treats me pretty abysmally. Now whilst I know this, and I know they are always going to not care and just take take take, I always hold out that they won't....and Im always proved wrong, like the complete dick I am. There's a lot to be said for seeing the good in people....sometimes there is no good, no matter how hard you squint. It's a mindset! How do you change a mindset? I'm thinking a lobotomy may be the way forward here...
I miss my Mum, I don't go too deep with that as there is nothing I can do to change that....see, mindset, but if I think too much, it sucks. I sometimes think I'm so used to my Mum being 'absent' that it doesn't bother me, but it does, I miss her advice, I miss her laughing at me..., that happened a lot, I know, thats hard to believe ... ...but most of all, above everything, I miss telling her about my kids, telling her how devil spawn like they are being :) ,I never got to share them with my Dad and barely got much time with my Mum, I don't get to share all the pride I have for them with anyone that is a part of me and them, that is..except for one of my long suffering brothers, who is equally as proud of them as I am and I am so thankful for that...altho I blame him for the ruin of my second born devil spawn, he's godfather so its all his fault!!!
I didn't think I had enough going on in my world, so we've decided to re invent the family business, (again) I do love a challenge...but I do wish people would stop setting them for me. It's funny isn't it, my whole life I've opened and run businesses, starting from the age of 19 when I opened my art studio, selling portraits and drawings and paintings that I did, it was the only talent I had so I marketed it, (there was no money if the professional beach bum I had become) I then got bored....I do get bored, it's literally my worst dangerous trait. So a year later I turned this into a newsagents/ stationers/ gift shop. It was like my own little Aladins cave, so many pens, and posters and fabulous little gifts and cards and magazines, it was fab, the 4am starts weren't great, especially when I had been out all night, and the spending of money like I was a mini Onasis and buying everything for myself was a learning curve, but Oh The fun I had. Then I got married .... oh wait...no no, I have paraphrased that wrong...let me try again..
I then got married ( 👍🏽) and with my Dads jewellery contacts I still had in the UK,( he was also a jeweller and had a business in London for many years before we moved back to Cyprus when I was 16) Me and my then husband (oddly also a jeweller, seriously cant make this shit up )moved to England from Cyprus to start a jewellery business. The rest I guess is history, like some horror story Greek tragedy kinda history, what are those books called about the travesties of old England, horrible histories !!
So here I am...at the ripe of old of 53 ( fucking hell) 🫣 reinventing a business that was started over 19 years ago for the future of my devil spawn. Now this clearly didn't go to plan did it?No, no of course it fucking didn't .... A relationship breakdown leading to a divorce breakdown , leading to any kind of normal human interaction breakdown, Then a lesbian relationship thrown in the mix, the croydon riots,(seriously think this had less impact that aforementioned lesbian relationship even if the shop was trashed) then the complete annihilation and then subsequent death of croydon, near death of eldest devil spawn,(fucking drama queen) then Covid, coupled with abysmal human antics amongst various other bullshit along the way ...I mean I'm surprised we lasted this long. Yay me!
Opening up a new business isn't easy tho, especially when it's the same business but just a little different. Customers oddly cant find you anymore. 'Oh I came but you weren't there, its another shop' no no silly human, its still me, seriously the only difference is the name and a few other bits, do I look different? Ok slightly fatter, rude, but come on now. Then you get the question, why did you change it? Well quite frankly, noisey customer, I got bored, it's seriously a thing I have and besides, change is good, keeps things alive, I was once married to a man and now I'm married to a woman, see, change is good, don't knock it till you try it. .....sometimes I wonder if my brutality or twisted sense of humour is the reason why the customers stare at me funny ...some never to return , I mean I now blame the boy and say its his fault because I'm his Mum and I can but this is the horizontal child that only gets irritated if he's hungry or if what he's working on isn't perfect ( again, here I blame the godfather as they are both fastidious in literally everything they do, not a bad trait, Unless I'm the one helping
them do something) other than that he's a joker and just takes the piss out of me continually. Love him, so working together is great also fucking terrible, depends which mood we both bring to work !
What is life without bullshit and challenges eh? well its serene and happy and lovely and stress free and something that obviously appears to elude me!! My poor suffering wife, how she's regretting her life choices now!!! Our first year of marriage has been a bit dramatic, but thats her fault for marrying a greek...everything is drama and tragedy, she did have 15 years to realise this, there was much drama and enough tragedy for a Netflix mini series or 10! Gotta give her her dues tho, she's learnt to exercise her inner diva and now attempts to rival my dramas..which aren't really dramas at all, they are just baby hiccups which she's learnt to nurture with her massive panic of everything until she's in such a frenzy she's turned bright blotchy red and needs oxygen ... Saying that, I massively admire her, she handles everything that she has to deal with so much finesse and class, and the outcome is always good, she's so professional in her work and so dedicated that nothing can touch her.( except when she's hyperventilating over something, normally over what she's going to wear, which I then get blamed for not helping her with, I mean, has she seen how I dress??) She's a superstar...she's also a great wife, when she's present, I swear she's actually given up even listening to me nowadays, no, I KNOW she never listens to me. I will have an entire conversation with her, which she'll then repeat to me a day later like its new news...it's incredulous. She finds solace away from my dramas in her long standing love affair with twitter (so much so I think I should start tweeting her) I often wonder what she would do with her time without twitter.( she will hate me for this and may possibly throw something at me...not her phone tho, definitely not her phone! ) and If I didn't know better I would think that she's avoiding me with her overly long hours at work and her twitter dedication...rude! Marriage is a funny thing isn't it?
Anyway, guess I should get back to work and stop analysing my life , I've never been very good at it because I over analyze the shit out of everything then decide that life isn't really working out for me as it is, and feel the need to change everything. I can't even comfort eat as I'm on my summer body diet, which also isn't really working out for me...fuck sake I'm shit at this....Bye........
Комментарии