You think it would be easier wouldn’t you? No nagging child moaning at you to play in the pool, or go build sandcastles. No tantrums coz he’s got sand in his toes… on the beach… yes, actual sand, in his toes, whilst on an actual beach.. I lie not… life with my male spawn has always been a challenge!
I still get a strop when we’re on the beach, involving the sand or actually any slight inconvenience. It’s just more of a silent, I’m not talking to any of you until I’m home, showered ..possibly also fed even tho we ate at the beach, several times…and am back in clean dry sand free clothes! Which by the way he hopes I’ve miraculously washed even tho I had no idea he had any clothes to wash as they have been residing in his suitcase since arriving .
My female spawn is not as painful. She’s rarely hungry, Infact I practically have to beg her to eat. This is hard for a Greek feeder mum like me , if you don’t eat you will possibly die , mum I ate toast! One slice… one slice is like air!!! Her lack of food upsets me.
My female spawn is a big treasure chest of thoughts and emotions, all scrambled up which occasionally pop out like a jack in the box, you never quite know what mood , how to react to it, is there something you should already know, have you been told about this before coz you can’t ask again as you’ll be accused of never listening or taking her seriously. This is hard when your memory has become like mine, where as the the male one is just there… what you see is what you get…pretty sure all his thoughts and emotions are all jam packed into his penis. I swear this appendage literally drains him of any kind of ability for pretty much anything else in live
The good thing about the kids being older is that we can all have a drink together and all have a laugh and chat and play things like ring of fire and share secrets and shit. No!! No !! This is unfun. I’m on holiday, I don’t want to think of shit you get up to.
My spawn are very open with me , we’re close and nothing they do will ever change that… even if on some occasions I’ve had to hide my sobbing at my utter Greek disbelief lol.
I’m also so Niave and pretty much believe literally everything the male one tells me We spend so much time together as we work together , when he’s not actually ignoring me , we do talk , mainly about girls 🙄 but hey. But on the odd occasion or two. the wife has called him out on a few things, then she sees my shock, then instantly regrets she’s mentioned anything, then feels the needs to warn him that I may kill him, then she panics and takes everything back but whoah it’s too late, she’s opened that box! So I quiz his sister first coz they share all their dark deep secrets ….trouble is, she’s mostly in her own little cyber world of imagination with her fairies and monsters so sometimes there’s actually no point in even talking to her, so by that time I’ve calmed down and , just do my normal ‘you’ll die’ lecture , he hugs me , we talk about it , then he’s all perfect to me again 🤣
My female spawn can start a conversation with you which will then change at least 30 times into 30 seperate sub conversations before you may or may not finally return to said original subject… you could Infact die before she gets there, so you always take a risk when asking anything especially if time is of the essence. When she was little she would come running into our room to excitedly tell us her dream.. or dreams or feature length double episode dream as it would turn out. Me and the wife would whimper silently trying not to cry as we knew the next 45 minutes or so ( I kid you not) would be painful, and we had to pay attention, no gazing out the window wishing you were Infact that fly that just flew past to freedom because she then would question you…’what did I just say?’ We we’re scared… very scared…. Yeah… nothing has really changed, I still get scared when I wish I was that fly…But she is as funny as fuck and constantly makes my heart smile… also her dreams are off the scale fucked up
Watching them now when we go on holiday is just watching overgrown versions of their tiny selves. They still try and drown eachother in the pool… the male spawn always wins. He tried to drag her out of the pool by her ankle the other day like a cave man. We just watched wondering where he was taking this and if she would Infact survive… he luckily decided it wasn’t a great idea as he was climbing up the pool steps with her ankle in his hand whilst she was silently drowning under the water !!
I always get excited spending time together as a family… which lasts about 5.5 minutes until they gang up on me, make fun of what I’ve said, or how I’ve said it, My menapausal hormones are way too sensitive for this which will then result in me either telling them both to fuck off, or to go live with their Dad, or I go off and have a silent cry , with the wife following me telling me their just little arseholes, whilst secretly laughing alongside them at my incredibly sensitive mood .
We all love our summer holiday in Cyprus, it’s our home and we all love a tan. We are sun people. My two tan straight away, like me. We all have an array of suntan lotion… ranging from 30- down to 8.
30 is for the white person we adopted! then the female spawn will pull out her fox tan whilst I get out my mother moan and winge about it ‘not having sun factor and what is this shit and you’ll die’ standard me talk, blah blah forgetting I practically used olive oil when i was her age… but ssshhhh.
Then there’s the wife…. The white personal we took in, and boy is she white. Her first trip to Cyprus way back when the kids were little, she flew out to join us for a week. We were of course already brown by the then, then the moon arrived to sit on the beach with us. The sunbed man , who was a shade of the darkest tan you will ever see, walked past and said to me in Greek, please god get sun factor 50 on that …as he went on his merry way giggling to himself . The sun factor 50 was actually whiter than the wife, it was seriously like sitting with fucking Casper on the beach
Now there are many things in life that the wife asks me which I’m not really equipped to answer…. The main one, which I literally loathe is ‘what shall I wear tonight?’ As she shows me a little assortment of colourful clothing she carefully matched together…. Then she goes onto what shoes she should wear with said assortment. (How did she fit all that in a suitcase) I mean can she see me? Does she not notice my clothes and shoes…Quite frankly I don’t really give a shit what she wears, she looks good in everything, she could even pull off wearing my shit… no actually, no she couldn’t, she would look ridiculous but that’s besides the point here. Anyway, I digress… fuck I’m turning into female spawn… the other shit she goes on about when on holiday is…
‘ are the backs of my legs tanned? Do they look tanned? They’re not tanned are they? …. Every single fucking day… sometimes 4 times a day. Or, I’m not as tanned as last year, I’m not tanning, why am I not tanning? I’m gonna go down to factor 20! No factor 25 🤦🏼♀️
What do I say? Do I change my reply each time, do I lie, do I go down in shades? Sometimes I just mutter and hope she gets distracted, sometimes I just ignore her hoping she’ll go away. It’s like a trick question, coz I’ll either get an earful of sadness on the woes of her whiteness and untannable legs or I’ll get blamed for having darker skin and I don’t understand her sadness of whiteness! I mean I even got the blame for not giving the stray cat attention the other day and giving her a break… like it’s my fault the cat is as annoying as fuck 🤣🤣
Seriously…. I get the blame a lot in this family, the boy spawn Blames me for absolutely everything… the weather, his hunger, his clothes, everything, like I have some super ability to control everything. Female spawn and wife basically just blame me for Producing the male spawn in the first place , and the wife blames me for everything fun in her life that has ruined her, mainly food and alcohol …. Oh and me 🤣
Good thing about holidaying with older kids is they sleep…alot. But then stay awake… all night, making noise, wanting food. Ok scrap that!
Good thing is, I love spending time with my devil spawn, they grow and leave…. Actually mine just grow, we’re Greek, they are never leaving me….. ( much to the wife’s distress)
So our family holiday is coming to an end. The spawn have been busy with their Dad and friends so Now it’s my turn, now I get to spend the last few days with just us 4 before we return to our crazy manic world when coming together as a family is mainly dinner times …when the spawn are in!!!
Welcome September…
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