Have you noticed the older you get, the more things start to ache, like, I was 49 a minute ago and everything was fine, ok well not quite fine, a bit achey but turn 50 and what is this ache in my leg, arm, foot, entire goddamn body, I feel Ive been run over by a herd of elephants, all I did was roll out of bed!
What exactly happens to your bladder when you get old? Does it shrink, does it not need as meany hours sleep anymore. Why in gods name do I need to go toilet in the middle of the night, ever night? I haven't drunk in excess, so why does it feel the need to empty itself at 3am, every morning ffs? And god forbid Im out and need the toilet, coz when I do its not, oh I can wait. Yeah I don't need to go now, I can wait till I get home, surely I can wait.......WRONG!!! You can't wait, not in the slightest, when you bladder calls, you need to listen, You are now 50 and your bladder is the boss of you! Don't try and fight it, if you walk past a toilet, you best make sure you pop in, even if you don't feel like it or your bladder will make you wish you were dead ten minutes after walking past, nasty little one cup of water capacity bastard! I once walked home from the bar with female spawn, she wasn't impressed, Not only did I moan all the way because I hate walking, why the fuck did I walk, but I needed the toilet so bad I wanted to cry, infact I think I may have cried. She was like, my god mum you are so annoying when you're drunk, I'm never walking with you again. No child, Im about to spontaneously combust piss all over you, hurry, run, run with me, no wait, stop, I can't run, stop, wait with me, shall we call a cab, I can't do this, no its ok, lets run, come on, we can do this. Most painful experience of my life! I did however make it home out of pure stubbornness not to piss in the street like a tramp and not to wet myself like an old tramp. I won :) kid didn't speak to me for ages, proclaiming I'm an annoying drunk, Rude!
And what is with the grey hairs appearing literally everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE... I’ve got a few grew eyebrows hairs now! What? I didn’t even realise that could be a thing until you’re at least 90, so what are these random strays doing appearing on my face, up my nose, I swear to god I even had a solitary grey pubic hair...what the actual fuck is that all about. Got rid of that mother fucker straight away!
Also, what's with the eyesight, or lack of it? Mine is deteriorating at the rate of a blind man. I can't see shit anymore. I like to think I can and it's not that bad. Like thinking I can shave then emerge from the shower looking like a half massacred mammal with alopecia! The other day I got all shouty and said , who the fuck spilt all this cream down the unit, I mean I didn't even know we had any cream, The wife (NYBN) turned around and said, 'babe, its just a bit of soapy water from washing the dishes, chill'...oh just fuck off young blood with eyes! I also like to think I can drive without wearing glasses...this is sometimes fun...a little bit scary , but I keep forgetting to take my long distance glasses with me so I spend the entire journey squinting with my head tilted to one side and sticking out slightly so my eyes are nearer to the windscreen thinking this is ok, I can see perfectly now, I mean I look like I've got scoliosis of the spine but its all good . You see, on my refusal of getting old...er....I point blank refuse to get those varifocal type glasses..you know, where you don't need to carry around two pairs of glasses on top of your head in order to see literally anything. Varifocals, bifocals , they are for really old people!
So you can imagine the struggle of trying to pluck aforementioned grey eyebrow hair without stupid glasses, or even trying to put makeup on without your glasses, ever tried putting eye makeup on with glasses?.....ever tried putting eye makeup on when you're blind?? Exactly, Months of struggling and looking like a clown most days, thinking my makeup was on point, (it really wasn't) I would turn up at work, where we had an awful lot of bright lights and mirrors and take one look in the mirror and think, wtf, did I put my makeup on in the dark!? Stephen Kings IT had nothing on me! So I bought myself a magnifying mirror, how genius are these little gems, a little frightening at times but wow, I literally cannot survive without it. One time me and the wife(NYBN) went away and I forgot to pack it...utter devastation, I did of course blame her, why would she not remind me of something so important, did she want to spend the entire weekend with a clown? (and yes she did say what's new) my memory is failing, I'm old now, she had responsibilities !
Grey hairs, deteriorating eyesight, body aches....ah yes...memory, well fuck that. ...thats worse than all of them put together, but at least I have a valid exuse for that... I have that Alzheimers curse running through my veins, so whenever the wife (NYBN) tries to get all angry on me alleging she 'told' me something already and how I don't ever 'listen' to her, (I don't but thats not here nor there right now) I puppy dog my eyes and get all upset and say...'oh, maybe I'm getting it' works like a treat . I mean it probably doesn't but she feels sorry for me either way ...I think!
The absolute worst part about getting older, the part you never believed anyone telling you when you were young and carefree with body parts that worked and eyes that were actually useful, was how very fucking hard it is to lose weight, like anything, like even half a pound can take you two weeks worth of starving to near death , exercising like you think you're an actual athlete, and not drinking any alcohol, at all, not even looking at it because that, apparently also makes you put on weight. What the fuck is that all about. Your stomach that once used to be flat and not overflow all your trousers, skirts, knickers, etc like you are Bob the goddamn builder with a beer belly on a mission, is now just a bulbous mess. A mess that starts to protrude from right under your boobs as if camouflaging your bust trying to make you look like one big barrel and , if you are really really lucky, your chins might join in with the blending and melt downwards into your cleavage so you are completely and utterly at one with your entire dysfunctional judas of a body.I'm like the same width all the way round, it takes some doing you know to get this spherical, I actually resemble a cylinder, if I was home schooling right now I would be a perfect example for a maths lesson.
I can actually put on half a stone in a weekend, its totally possible, I know, because I've done it, on many occasions. Its taken me a month to lose it and a weekend to put it all back on again, how is that actually possible? Is there some cruel weight god that punishes you for having a good greedy time. When I was younger I could drop that half a stone just as quick as I put it on, but no, now I'm old my metabolism has left home, jumped on a plane, left the country then committed suicide far far away never to return again. You can get all these tablets and vitamins that claim to help 'speed up' metabolism, or, help with your stress belly or help with all the missing hormones that your lovely old menopausal years are about to steal from you and send to go meet you metabolism and die in a far far away place, WHYYYYYY.Why??? Is it not painful enough that we have to experience child birth and everything that comes with that? I mean we get a few good years in between then boom, this happens. I have a hormonal (or lack of) stress belly caused by non existent metabolism due to lack of dead hormones! Fucking hormones, nothing but sodding trouble.
I haven't even touched on wrinkles and everything else trying to head downwards towards my feet. Lets take one of my chins, please just take the fucker! Its now at a sort of sixty degree slant merging into my neck. WTAF. I did see on Facebook the other day these chin straps, must admit I thought about it for a few seconds, actually still thinking about it! Wrinkles, nasty little buggers, I'm not doing too bad on that front but I am developing some lovely jowls that are accessorising my face nicely,I could probably start hanging some earrings from them, I swear its years of scowling at people that has created this. I often look in the mirror and pull up my face ever so slightly, like just a little and its amazing how such a little 'lift' changes everything. Basically my face needs a bra! or facelift, I'm not fussy. You get all these creams don't you, creams my mum said I should use from my teenage years and always include my neck. I was like, yeah mum ok, I'm 17, I'm cool, plenty of time for that shit. Oh how wrong was I? 33 years later, a couple of deaths, a marriage, two kids, a couple of businesses , a divorce, a couple of changes in career paths, countries, and sexuality and boom, here we are. Always listen to your Mum kids, she knows what's going down, literally!
One last thing, or we may be here forever and I so desperately want a glass of wine....is actually alcohol!
I can still drink like I used to, and thats a fair bit, I'm greek, its in our genes, but the recovery time is absolutely horrendous. The worst is when you decide to day drink....dont ever stop because if you stop, you will most certainly need to nap or just basically be asleep by 7pm. If you do carry on then you will need the next week off in intensive care to recover. I've come to the conclusion that when our metabolism leaves he leaves little forwarding addresses for not only our hormones to join him but also the liver, possibly one of the kidneys too, and of course they are all male, why else would they bale on us and treat us so terribly after what we've done for them all these years...ok forget the liver, I've not been so kind to him, totally get him wanting to walk out....oooorrrr....maybe they don't actually leave at all, they all go into hiding, in my fucking belly!!!! So yeah, the whole drinking tolerance lowers, but I'm not giving up, perseverance. I don't get annoyed at all when young blood Wife (NYBN) wakes up after a night of drinking all perky like and 'I'm off to do my workout babe' don't you fucking babe me you witch, I want to kill you right now but I cant move, not even my eyeballs, please bring me water , I think I have food poisoning! help me.....
I wish I was one of those people that lost weight through worry, or stress, because fuck me, I'd be a super bloody model but no, I'm a stress eater, also a happy eater, also a sad eater, I eat for every occasion, every emotion, goddamn every everything , no place for prejudice in my life!
Anyway, I'm taking my snail style non metabolic, missing hormone cylinder shaped body off to the other room (quarantine life) for a drink now whilst I wait for that fit bitch to bounce home and make her 'smoothie', she's so much fun, pretending to be all healthy, She WILL drink wine with me later coz she loves me, but she also loves wine, possibly more than me at times so that might be it, but I like to think its because she likes to keep me company in my sad, fat, old, grey haired, achey boned life! God I hope she doesn't read this, she'll be having second thoughts.......
It’s definitely the wine I love 💕